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14 January 2009 @ 06:12 am
i haven't written since the accident. actually i haven't written in forever.

so to put it simply. i wasn't buckled. i got in a car accident. i was the passenger. there was 3 of us. the car hit two parked cars on our way into a front yard, and split a telephone pole straight in half.

i knew the family (well i go to school with their daughters) that owned the property. the father rushed out with blankets once the car was stopped. i was the only one hurt. he was in his snow filled yard in his socks and without a coat. if it wasn't for him keeping me warm and continuing to talk to me - i wouldn't be here. i immediately started to go into shock. i wanted to sleep.
i don't remember much after that. i remember the pain i was in with 5 people trying to pry me out of the car.
i still don't know what the accident looked like. but i know the car was crushed. and we were so lucky that the top half of the telephone pole wasn't on top of the car.
the airbags saved my face. i would have been through the windshield, or worse my face would have been seriously smashed against the dash board. i had no outside damage, except some cuts on my lips and some bruising by my eye.
my mom, david, and heather rotated shifts staying with me overnight in the ICU. my mom slept on the floor one night. then they brought in a big, but uncomfortable recliner. once i got my own room in close observation - i slept alone.
theresa, kayla, josh, my sister, my dad, and heathers whole family all came to visit me also.
i broke 4 ribs, all on one side. i cut my spleen open terribly, and was lucky i didn't die from internal bleeding - because spleens are delicate i guess (thats what they told me), i bruised my heart, i sprained my shoulder, and i pulled 10-15 muscles in my back - spread throughout.
i was in the hospital for 6 days and 5 nights. i was in ICU for 4 of those nights. i lost 10 pounds during my stay mostly because i didn't eat for 4 days - i couldn't keep anything down due to the trauma.
i had 2 IV's (one in each arm), oxygen, lots of drugs.
my fucking medical bill was 31 thousand dollars.
just staying there for 6 days cost 17 thousand dollars.
but i'm fucking lucky, and it seriously changed my life.

it takes atleast a month or two for ribs to heal.
mine are nowhere close.
and now i have the stomach flu.
i just can't stay healthy.
 
 
02 September 2008 @ 07:57 am
Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list ten things you LOVE that begin with that letter. Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

I got the letter P. (this was a hard one)

1. PENGUINS. obviously, YES!

2. photography. it's just something i've always loved.

3. parties. much fun. :)

4. phone. i love my cell phone! :P

5. PIERCINGS. end of story.

6. photo realism. i've been working on it with my art.

7. popham beach. i like beaches in general. but popham started with a p. :P

8. pain. i have a high tolerance. and sometimes it can be good. to distract from other sources of pain that is unwanted.

9. pull-over hoodies. but i like zip ups too. hoodies in general are amazing.

10. Pahlahniuk, Chuck. what I've read thus far, is amazing. (and i stole this from theresa, and made it into my letter. muhahah)
 
 
03 July 2008 @ 05:06 pm
ya know what, fuck it.
i'm gonna have fun.


my horoscope yesterday (insanely true?):

You are more hopeful that things will turn out in your favor, now that the unrealized potential of the summer becomes more concrete. What was only a dream a few weeks ago has already begun to take form. The danger comes from trying to force someone's hand. Playing it cool allows a situation to stabilize before increasing the stakes and taking it to the next level.
 
 
14 June 2008 @ 01:16 pm
i keep stalling with what i want to write about.
i start, get halfway with an entry. and delete it.

until then..


this is the house my mom and mike are thinking about buying.
it's in durham. 5 floors, 4 bedrooms, 2 observatory decks, 2.5 bathrooms, 3 fireplaces.
i love it, and i want to live there..so bad.


Photobucket
it's a lighthouse! :]

Photobucket
love the kitchen.

Photobucket
spiral staircase.

Photobucket
one of the bedrooms on the second floor has a fireplace.


yet, it's so cheap for a house that size, and as unique as it is.
it's about 120 thousand more then the trailer. but we would be making the same payment every month becuase we wouldn't have lot rent anymore.
YAY!
 
 
31 May 2008 @ 12:19 am
i hungout with thom tonight. it was good hanging out like we used to again.
we parked his car, smoked a little, then went on a walk.
i blew smoke into a balloon and then let it go and it flew away with smoke flying out - awesome.
and we saw the same cat TWICE dart across the road and it was within second of each other and it looked like the cat that i watched die...and he told me it was haunting me becuase i didnt save it and i almost had a panic attack..hah!
it scared me and i thought we were gonna see it again so i was freaking out.
we actually talked for a little while. but not about the things i really want to talk about.
he told me he was going to lauras prom with her..tomorrow. =/
i can't be upset. nope. done.

so i went home, and figured i was a secret agent and i went on a mission for a bowl of cereal.
it was hilarious and i have no idea why i didn't just do it the normal way.
and screw using a spoon i suctioned it out.

:]
 
 
Current Mood: awake
 
 
artwork_eyes
29 May 2008 @ 11:07 pm
well we had our pops concert tonight for choir and it went really well for treble :]

it's crazy to think that i'm considered a senior in high school now.
cause i feel like just yesterday i was a dumb little freshman getting lost in the halls.


this morning i saw a kitty get hit by a car.
and the asshole just kept driving.
the cat was twitching and it was young.
and i saw it die.
and it was so fucking sad. i wanted to cry.
:[


tomorrow should be an interesting day.
i really need to start trying harder...
 
 
27 May 2008 @ 09:26 pm
art.  
the pen and ink, and my board in the display case.





Photobucket

Photobucket
 
 
21 May 2008 @ 08:17 pm
i don't know.





what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....

what to feel....
 
 
29 April 2008 @ 12:29 am
If I put my hand out
Would you put yours in mine?
All of our answers
Questioned in time
Don't let your fears try to tear us apart

I want to get closer to you
I'm on the outside looking in
Tell me our love is real
You know that I will understand
I want to get closer to you
Closer to you
I want to get closer to you
Closer to you

This is bigger, bigger than you or me (you or me)
In those grains of sand waiting by the sea
We'll let the current wash us away

I want to get closer to you
I'm on the outside looking in
Tell me our love is real
You know that I will understand
I want to get closer to you
Closer to you
I want to get closer to you
Closer to you

If I put my hand out
Would you put yours in mine? (don’t let your fears try to tear us apart)
All of our answers
Questioned in time
Don't let your fears try to tear us apart

I want to get closer to you
Closer to you
I want to get closer to you
Closer to you
I'm on the outside looking in
Closer to you
I want to get closer to you

I imagine how you feel
Could be the only thing that’s real
If you would let me in
Then I would know for sure
 
 
01 April 2008 @ 10:17 pm
RELAPSE.
 
 
28 March 2008 @ 09:37 pm
there is so much negativity in this house.

it's just bringing me down further.
 
 
10 March 2008 @ 06:51 am
i just had the craziest/weirdest dream...


i woke up from the sleep i was having right then. [mr blakes trip which happened over feb. break already] and i was going to spain. everyone going went into a big theater which looked like a movie theater which had a "good" exit and a "bad" exit. i went out the bad. and it went into a bathroom. my mom was there. she had introduced herself to the parents of a guy who i guess liked me? but in real life we just started talking a few weeks ago. his parents were short and fat and weird. my mom gave me 90 dollars for spending money. then it was dusk. and i was picking up my luggage at my house then getting a ride to the school. tim [the kid] picked me up at my house. but i didnt have my luggage. it was snowing. and he had a beat up old pickup truck. we sat in it for a while and talked. then he started falling asleep so i woke him up and said we needed to go. then he started saying he really didnt want to go and he wanted to just sleep here for a second. so i was like fine, press the gas and i'll steer. he slammed on the gas and fell asleep. we were going like 80 down old bath road while it was snowing, i had no control over the brakes. eventually i screamed at him saying BRAKES BRAKES!!! he slammed them on and we went out of control and crashed at that little farmhouse looking store at the very end of old bath road. i crawled out of the truck, my legs were burning, and my friend from norway [exchange student] came out and freaked out and went back inside to grab everyone. i took out my cell phone to try and call someone but it said that i couldn't call anyone unless i was AT&T. and it gave me this menu to switch carriers. the ironic thing with anna is: her HOST mom was there the day i fractured my neck, she rode int he ambulance with me. she was a girl scout troop leader at the time. she stayed with me in the hospital. it was just fucking weird. i've never had such a vivid dream like this before that had so much symbolism in it.

i looked up car crashes on a bunch of dream websites and i'll post the results after school.
 
 
24 February 2008 @ 11:25 am
hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
 
 
12 February 2008 @ 09:09 pm







theres someone.
who makes me very happy.

very very happy. :]


....


butterflies early summer.
 
 
06 February 2008 @ 09:25 pm
i feel so wrong.

and so out of place.

and i don't know why.
 
 
05 February 2008 @ 09:44 pm
i dyed my hair again.
blondeish.
and it looks bad.
washes me out.
and only the top is light - the bottom is still dark.
so i look like a gradient strip.

ass.

so i have to put MORE chemicals in my hair and kill it some more.
i guess i'm just gonna go back to brown once again.
i think i'm done dying it for like ever.

it's going to fall out one of these days.
 
 
18 January 2008 @ 09:23 pm
i hate dramatic people.
and people who put themselves into dramatic situations.
when they know it will cause something.

then they complain about it.

pet peeve number 321891.
 
 
artwork_eyes
09 October 2007 @ 06:13 pm
i'm in so much pain.
i've been pretty much overdosing on advil and ibprofin for a while now.
i've been taking anti inflamitory meds that i have leftover from my back too.
personally, i don't think it's burcicus. [the joint fluid swelling]
theres something going on.
burcitus is supposed to be healed in a week at the MOST.
it's been a week. today. and i was wincing with tears just going up the stairs and getting in matts jeep today.
it's so agonizing. and tiring. and stupid.
on top of all my other aches and pains. it's kinda made me lay off my back a little though....which really isn't any better.
i'm going to the doctors soon. making an appt. tomorrow. and their sending me to midcoast for an MRI.
:/
 
 
09 September 2007 @ 02:44 pm
it's been a year.
a whole fucking year.
a year since adam died.

i've been taking today better then i thought i would.
i've been trying to be happy in celebration of his life. but still i'm down.
it's rainy and cloudy and cold today.
just like it was a year ago.
maybe it's a sign. maybe it has meaning.

it doesnt feel like it's seriously been a whole year without him.
 
 
23 August 2007 @ 06:55 pm
i've found myself in an almost constant state of depression.
and i've found myself covering it up with bright clothing and a big smile.
i hate this.

i'm severely depressed, theres no way around that one.
my mood is so unexplainable. so i'm not even going to try.




i don't know why.

i hate explaining things. because i know i'm not getting anywhere doing so. so i'm going to be brief.

i hate myself. i really do. i hate myself.
it's like an undying anger towards myself.

i'm so uncomfortable with myself.
no matter how much weight i lose.
it seems like i'm always going to be like this.
pounds are kinda dropping off now..
and i'm not even happy about it anymore.
because i'm not where i want to be.
i doubt i'll ever be there.

i feel incredibly sick right now. i want to hurl.

my head is spinning.

i'm thirsty.

i'm dizzy.

i'm weak.

i can't sleep.

i know i've said this so many times in my entries. but i hate feeling like this.
and i can honestly say, this is the most depressed i've been in a long time.
maybe i'm just exadurating because of my bad mood? i know know..who knows, really? i don't even know myself anymore.
i'm a stranger.


i'm lost.
i feel like i'm getting nowhere.

i feel completely worthless.

and on that one i'm not exadurating.




here it goes again.
relapse.
 
 
Current Mood: crappy
 
 
 
 

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